


it's all fun and games until someone gets fluoride poisoning

by lepinjakajmak



Category: Homestuck
Genre: April Fools' Day, Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Post-Canon, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Prankster's Gambit, a blink and you'll miss it reference to vriska's shitty childhood, accidental poisoning, and have some issues to work out. evidently, background rosemary - Freeform, kanaya's ready to cut a bitch, terezi can't read toothpaste labels, the classic oreo toothpaste prank, vriska and terezi are a little dysfunctional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 15:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15843726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lepinjakajmak/pseuds/lepinjakajmak
Summary: In which the first April Fools' day prank in the new universe ends in a trip to the emergency room. Not surprising considering that the Scourge Sisters are involved.





	it's all fun and games until someone gets fluoride poisoning

        "Oh my god, Vriska, be quiet! They're gonna hear us!"  
  
        "It'll be _fiiiiiiiine_."  
  
        Terezi winced as Vriska, once again, clanged two pots together while rifling through the overstocked pantry.  
  
        "Why the fuck do they have agave nectar? Does anyone even actually eat agave nectar? Or do vegans just have it in their houses so they can get a morality boner whenever they see it standing all high and mighty in their cupboards?"  
  
        It was 2am in the inky darkness of the Lalonde-Maryam kitchen, and Vriska was proving herself to be utterly incompetent as usual. Terezi was getting more irritated by the second, and if she squeezed the tube of toothpaste she was holding any harder, it would probably burst.  
  
        "Vriska, if you wake them up with your oh-so-pithy commentary and ruin the _first ever_ April Fools' Day prank in this _universe_ , I am going to fucking murder you."  
  
        "What, are you going to remove my _other_ arm this time?"

        "Jesus! Will you get over that! You went god tier, you aren't even missing a body part anymore."  
  
        In lieu of responding, Vriska turned around, having gotten what she was looking for. She held up the package of Oreos triumphantly as she grinned down at Terezi from the step-stool.  
  
        As much as Vriska's smug disposition annoyed her ( _What did she have that look on her face for? She came close to waking up Rose and Kanaya like, five times._ ), Terezi begrudgingly took the package and placed it on the kitchen counter, along with the toothpaste.  
  
        "You got the fluoride-free, right?"  
  
        Something in Terezi snapped at that. Vriska had been the reason that they got there 15 minutes late, Vriska was the one who almost triggered the home security system because she had absolutely no stealth, Vriska was the one who was incapable of talking below 100 decibels at any given moment. If anything were to have gone wrong that night, it would have been thanks to Vriska. Yet here she was, all up on her high horse, with the _audacity_ to check in on whether or not Terezi had done her part.  
  
        Terezi paused midway of removing the filling of an Oreo to stare unseeingly at Vriska.

        "Vriska, just because I'm blind doesn't mean I'm a fucking dumbass like you. God, I shouldn't have even done this with you. I should have brought John or Jane."  
  
        Vriska slammed down the Oreo she was in the middle of applying toothpaste to with a little more force than necessary. Terezi realized a little too late that she may have gone too far with that remark.  
  
        "You have been such a bitch _all evening_. If you didn't want me here, you should have just said so! If you don't want to be with me, just leave! No one is forcing you to _torture_ yourself by being in my presence, god."  
  
        "Wait, what? What does any of this have to do with our relationship? Is right now, in this very moment, the optimal time for you to bring this up? God, this is just so _you_ , letting shit fester until the most dramatic time possible to let it rip, like a fart you were saving up specifically for the moment of silence at Sunday troll-mass. No matter if it's inconvenient for literally everybody else around you, just as long as _Vriska_ gets to make her scene."  
  
        "Are you fucking kidding me? So now when I bring up shit that bothers me, I'm apparently doing it for attention. You know what, Terezi? I don't think you ever got over the fact that you never got to kill me in this timeline. I think you're _dying_ over the fact that you didn't get to have the last metaphorical word in our feud. It was _sweeps_ ago. Get over it."

        " _You_ get over it you petulant little wriggler! And while you're at it, get over your fucking mommy issues!"  
  
        At this point they were both full-on yelling, at least until the light got flipped on with a click.  
  
        Rose stood in the doorframe holding her needle wands and sporting a facial expression that was a three-way cross between dead tired, confused, and extremely irritated.  
  
        "Care to explain why you two are screaming in my kitchen while attempting to steal our Oreos?"  
  
        "We were just playing a pra— Wait, oh, uh, yeah, we ran out of Oreos back at the house, so we were just gonna borrow these. You know, Terezi and her flavor cravings!"  
  
        Terezi focused a glare at Vriska, but ultimately appreciated the save. With the prank still secured, Terezi took it upon herself to do the honors.  
  
        "Yeah, you know me! By the way, Rose, as long as you're up, want an Oreo?"  
  
        "I suppose I might as well reclaim the pilfered goods. Please never break into our house to steal food again, or Kanaya will have to bring out the chainsaw. Good night."  
  
        With that, Rose took the package of Oreos and left, leaving Terezi and Vriska standing in the considerably brighter-than-before kitchen.  
  
        Vriska sheepishly looked down at the tiled floor.  
  
        "I'm, uh, sorry about being kind of an inconvenience tonight."  
  
        Terezi's face softened, and she opened her mouth to apologize too.  
  
        That is, until Rose came barreling back down the hall, and into the bathroom.  
  
        Kanaya soon followed, but not before stopping in front of the two trolls.  
  
        "I know you two have a fetish for maiming each other in convoluted cycles of revenge as a substitute for arguing like a normal couple, but I'd appreciate if you didn't try to get us involved. Me and Rose are quite fine with sticking to the occasional screaming match."  
  
        "What? No offense, but if Rose is freaking out that much over a vaguely minty Oreo, she's kind of a pussy."  
  
        "Fluoride is toxic to humans, numbnuts."  
  
        Vriska snatched the tube of toothpaste from Terezi, which upon inspection, brandished large letters that proclaimed " _NOW WITH MORE FLUORIDE!_ "  
  
        As Kanaya frantically dialed 9-1-1, Vriska turned to Terezi with a look of pure rage. It was Terezi's turn to look sheepish.  
  
        "Perhaps we shouldn't have left it to the blind girl to pick out the toothpaste?"  
  
        "I'm literally going to kill you."

END

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to creativeidiote over on tumblr for inspiring this! i love my murderous girls, as vaguely dysfunctional as they may be. if you have a oneshot request just comment, and i'll (maybe) do it


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